I am forcing myself to write about this
because it is much, much harder for me,
but I left the table with conversations
that I could not really listen to, anyway,
because this is on my mind
and this poem is itching in my fingers.

A weeks worth of deciding, actually done in a week.
It’s done now, I guess, at least in this specific form.
I am sad.
Sad because I was so, so on board at the end, but it was too late.
It feels like I have to go through this change, I just started to slowly prepare for, anyway,
but differently and I don’t know how.

I need initiative from myself, to go and grow.
Not necessarily leave, but change – I need change.
Leaving is an easy way for change, I guess, but not the only one.

I don’t like this poem because it hurts.
It hurts to be in this state of being lost and passive.
Maybe I need to embrace it.
Allowing myself to not go – feels like an excuse, though.
But I have time and things. take. time.
These words feel empty and I only accept them because not being an English native mystifies them.
Half meta today?
Oh, I don’t know.

I think that’s the baseline: I don’t know.
This helps me though.
Okay, maybe full meta still – I love it.
Let’s say full meta, but I don’t explain what I write about – that fits.

I am here,
I am okay,
I need change,
maybe slowly, maybe fast,
there is a storm inside me
and I don’t know
if I am calm before the storm
or if I hold it back.

Autor*in: Mara

[Raumhaltende & Administratorin] Ein 🦋 ist ein Ausdruck von Resonanz, den ich unter Kunst hinterlasse, wenn ich keine Worte finde oder es keine braucht. Ich könnte in meine und eure Kunst zerfließen und tue das auch manchmal. Mein aktuelles Projekt ist Dayss. Und ältere Projekte von mir waren come along & wortwolle. Ich hoffe dir gefällt es hier & dass du Lust hast, auch deine Kunst zu teilen :) Über alle Fragen, Gedanken & Liebesbriefe freue ich mich sehr! Kontakt am liebsten über Signal, aber E-Mail (mara@tapetenresonanz.de) oder Telegram (@ehuzy) sind auch ok.

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