TAOMIN

I am forcing myself to write about this
because it is much, much harder for me,
but I left the table with conversations
that I could not really listen to, anyway,
because this is on my mind
and this poem is itching in my fingers.

A weeks worth of deciding, actually done in a week.
It’s done now, I guess, at least in this specific form.
I am sad.
Sad because I was so, so on board at the end, but it was too late.
It feels like I have to go through this change, I just started to slowly prepare for, anyway,
but differently and I don’t know how.

I need initiative from myself, to go and grow.
Not necessarily leave, but change – I need change.
Leaving is an easy way for change, I guess, but not the only one.

I don’t like this poem because it hurts.
It hurts to be in this state of being lost and passive.
Maybe I need to embrace it.
Allowing myself to not go – feels like an excuse, though.
But I have time and things. take. time.
These words feel empty and I only accept them because not being an English native mystifies them.
Half meta today?
Oh, I don’t know.

I think that’s the baseline: I don’t know.
This helps me though.
Okay, maybe full meta still – I love it.
Let’s say full meta, but I don’t explain what I write about – that fits.

Puh.
I am here,
I am okay,
I need change,
maybe slowly, maybe fast,
there is a storm inside me
and I don’t know
if I am calm before the storm
or if I hold it back.