The album hasn’t even finished, yet,
and the song I always cry to is just starting.
The song is over now and I cried, hard. I am so thankful for this song, I am so thankful for this night and I would be even more thankful for it if I could stand behind it all fully, but I can’t.
That might be the reason I don’t talk about these things, that I’ll write about now, often, but we find each other in the details.
I owe this night a poem and I mean it.
I am so full of feeling,
so full of feeling alive.
And I feel alive because I have just spend somewhat like six hours resonating.
With what you might ask – wait a second, I am gathering all the courage, I can find, to tell you.
I was scrolling through Tumblr when I stumbled upon a picture of a Reddit post about Truth or Dare. I was intrigued. Because, it is a game that was always scary for me to play. Because maybe, you all of a sudden have to kiss someone. Kissing was always a big deal for me, and I was scared to kiss someone without having an emotional connection nor the room appreciating the weight it has on me. And, let’s face it, because the game sometimes ends sexually. Thus making it something I am fascinated by, while reading from the comfort of my couch, but making it yet again more uncomfortable to play in real life. I am sure it can be great, but it scars me that I don’t know how much I really want to do something and how much it is group pressure, let alone how it is for the others.
Anyway. That is all beside the point, but they were details, so I thought I’d share.
What really is the point is that all these answers on Reddit got me horny, but I wanted more. I didn’t want some stupid three sentience answers that gave me no details, nor knowledge whether it was all consensual.
So I looked for erotic stories and started to read one. And I kept reading it, long after I finished masturbating because wow. It like, actually had a story and I was absorbed into it – Into reading about desire, desire that wasn’t just flowing in empty space, but surrounded by a story. And then also having my mind fill in the background. Making it exactly as I like it or as I’d want it to support the story I’d want to read. The magic of reading, I am sure you know it.
To be honest, I really enjoyed the story and finished the ten long pages without much of a break, but it really scares me to tell you about it. I feel like whenever I talk about culture, I must either fully stand behind and support it’s underlying concepts or while talking about it, criticize everything there is to be criticized about it. Neither is possible.
The thing I can tell you about the best is my relationship to the story: It helped me, it was part of a peculiar night and I kind of felt like I did self-care afterwards. I need stories like this one, but I also really, really need them to be less focused on male desire, less male gazing on the female protagonists and overall just have more inspiring and empowering characters than Caleb, who had to prove his worth by being oh so manly by being great at renovating houses. But I also need them to be as well written as this one was.
Fuck it, I don’t want to review the erotic story I’ve read, I want to tell you about my night.
Because afterwards I got up and danced.
I cleared out space in the middle of my room and I danced.
It felt so, so good and free and ough, why am I not doing this more often.
Allowing myself to fully feel horny, free and emotional.
All after each other or at the same time, who cares.
Because after I danced myself to exhaustion, I played myself this one old record that I listen to fully like once every two years on nights like these. It’s one of those not-really-that-great-nor-my-type-of-music-nor-fully-my-values-but-damn-I-connect-so-deeply-and-am-just-lying-sitting-and-dancing-while-crying-to-it-records.
I kinda really, really don’t want to tell you what story I’ve read, the music I’ve danced to and the record I listen to, but this is about details so I will:
The story is called The Last Time by MsCherylTerra.
I danced to Phyrrus by Marlena, Bandito by Twenty One Pilots and Six Feet Under by Billie Eilish.
the record is called Der Druck steigt by Casper.
I hope we find each other in those details and that I’ve paid off my debt to this night.