Distance

There is distance, everywhere.

I feel it when I move my arms through the thick air in my lifeless room, when I watch media content on my phone and I hear it in the words that I don’t speak.
I feel stitches in my chest when I don’t answer messages, when I hold back and especially because I feel like we haven’t talked in forever and I kinda didn’t say hi and you didn’t say hi and I am disappointed that all it takes is no initiative from me. kinda. or like no initiative from both of us and was that our friendship? is it gone now? Should I just text u again and say hi and hide the little hole of pain that I dug myself so prettily. I mean I could have said hi weeks ago, but I didn’t because I didn’t really want to chat. I wanted to see you, but I knew, or I expected, that you wouldn’t really want to meet or just not as immediate and often as I, and so I didn’t even bother asking. I swallowed my needs and I guess that is never ever a good idea.
I feel so much art forsaken distance, when I see and chat with many friends, but with everyone not more than once a week and there is no one I can just tell everything. no one that just knows what I mean when I say that I had a really rough day again, no one that doesn’t need any context or explanation. and now I am sitting here listing things I don’t need, I don’t like and I don’t have, creating distance between myself and my needs. I could be listing things that felt good and ask myself what did others and I did well then, but I am tired and frustrated and why did nobody answer my resonance-post. Where are you all. How are you? I feel distance in and with this room that I so often imaged gone when I read art or your comments. what even is this. who are we. it feels like it went somewhere I didn’t go and now I am wondering which way it took and if i am still onboard.

hi?

Autor*in: Mara

Manchmal kommentiere ich 🦋 um zu zeigen, dass ich etwas gesehen und eine Verbindung damit habe. Ansonst ist hier viel meiner Kunst. Ich habe mir angewöhnt, jeden Tag etwas zu zeichnen und zu schreiben. Für fünf Monate des Jahres 2020 habe ich täglich ein come along Gedicht geschrieben. Das aktuelle Schreib-Projekt heißt wortwolle und da machen auch noch andere liebe Menschen mit c: Zeichnen tue ich jeden Tag in eins meiner sieben kleine Bücher für das Projekt Dayss. Es geht viel um meine Gefühle. Oft frage ich mich Abends vor dem Schlafen gehen, wie es mir geht und bringe das dann zu Papier. Ich hoffe dir gefällt es hier im Offenen Kunst Raum und vielleicht willst du ja auch selber was teilen. Ich würde mich sehr freuen. Für alle Hinweise zu technischen Probleme oder deine generellen Gedanken oder Fragen zur Website bin ich Dankbar c: Threema: S9P27AFT E-Mail: mara@tapetenresonanz.de Telegram: @ehuzy

13 Gedanken zu „Distance“

  1. I burrying my feelings in my chest, somewhere deep down, where my thoughts can’t reach them, so they can keep on ruling, undisturbed. I like building castels out of thoughts, filing their edges, climbing the towers, to get some air from up there. Maybe I also run away. Hide away from being honest, because what does that even mean? What can I even trust? So I rather stay alone. Chained to my bed by thoughts that keep me so busy, that I can’t decide to get up. I am not depressed. I am just thinking. And ignoring the heavy heavy stone, that expands in my chest. So I stay alone, stay in bed, stay in my thoughts, get up eventually, freeze all day, destract myself with the satisfaction, that moving pictures on my screen combined with music and content I can follow along, that allows me not to think about my own stuff for some time, can give me. It’s working in a way. It’s working quite well until I hear your words. Your honesty beats me with all that I so neatly suppressed. It makes me burst, the way I had to. Now I feel calm, still cold and alone. And if I think about it – I wished you were here. Together I guess we could do it. I wished you were here and we could cry until we didn’t want to cry anymore to start laughing again. Life is more fun that way.

    1. 🦋 I hear you and thank you. I am missing context really badly here. Who are you? I don’t mean this in a bad way, like I have ideas who you could be, but I don’t ever really dare to guess these things and I feel like there is a puzzle part missing for me, but that’s your decision and I respect it. I nevertheless thank you for telling your story to this poem with this honesty. I hope you are okay <3

          1. My emotions confuse me. I keep thinking that I might be better and for a few days I actually am.
            But then suddenly everything feels so much and heavy and alone again, if that makes sense.

            I am happy to hear that you are getting better 🙂

          2. Yes I can relate to this, too. Thank you.
            –> „My emotions confuse me. I keep thinking that I might be better and for a few days I actually am.
            But then suddenly everything feels so much and heavy and alone again, if that makes sense.“

            Just realized I got rid of my addiction of YT videos and immideatly stepped in again coming back to the place that is supposed to be called home but more is like a memory of what safety could have felt like some time ago.

            mara, love, I can relate to you, too. There is so much space somewhere lost in black holes.
            Hi.

            1. Hey!
              (I suppose you are someone else than the other person I exchanged comments with, but if you two want, nicknames or so would be helpfull:)

              In my text „media content on my phone“ was just a fancy way of saying that I watched a lot of youtube. So I would be interested in hearing more about your experiance with youtube if you’d like to talk about it! c:

              and yeah (about the black holes). though, I feel like it’s mostly just me needing/expecting connection and not feeling it and then every part of a room can be a black hole.

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