There is distance, everywhere.
I feel it when I move my arms through the thick air in my lifeless room, when I watch media content on my phone and I hear it in the words that I don’t speak.
I feel stitches in my chest when I don’t answer messages, when I hold back and especially because I feel like we haven’t talked in forever and I kinda didn’t say hi and you didn’t say hi and I am disappointed that all it takes is no initiative from me. kinda. or like no initiative from both of us and was that our friendship? is it gone now? Should I just text u again and say hi and hide the little hole of pain that I dug myself so prettily. I mean I could have said hi weeks ago, but I didn’t because I didn’t really want to chat. I wanted to see you, but I knew, or I expected, that you wouldn’t really want to meet or just not as immediate and often as I, and so I didn’t even bother asking. I swallowed my needs and I guess that is never ever a good idea.
I feel so much art forsaken distance, when I see and chat with many friends, but with everyone not more than once a week and there is no one I can just tell everything. no one that just knows what I mean when I say that I had a really rough day again, no one that doesn’t need any context or explanation. and now I am sitting here listing things I don’t need, I don’t like and I don’t have, creating distance between myself and my needs. I could be listing things that felt good and ask myself what did others and I did well then, but I am tired and frustrated and why did nobody answer my resonance-post. Where are you all. How are you? I feel distance in and with this room that I so often imaged gone when I read art or your comments. what even is this. who are we. it feels like it went somewhere I didn’t go and now I am wondering which way it took and if i am still onboard.